Lately my posts have not been carefree with unadultrated frivolity. Maybe because my funny bone has gone on a vacation. Hope it comes back soon from its sojourn.
The placement season looms at large, where our careers would take off. To say I feel inadequate and unprepared would be an understatement. You say, I should prepare, then! So do I. But the will, that drive, the perseverance and persistence seems to have accompanied my funny bone and deserted me.
Fear of the Unknown. So true!
My dream is clear: A career that keeps me flitting from city to city, country to country… and when I get back, a one bedroom apartment in the poshest area of town, with a good ol’ audi in the parking lot.
Live life large. Live life solo.
Thats another deal…. It would be hard to pull off. Earlier all I had to fight were societal norms or enthsiastic family members. Now I have another opponent: the changing me.
I think my last blog post was on the same lines. Meh!
I feel like I am not in control. While the transition from a child to an adolescent was subtle and inconspicuous. the current change from an adolescent to “adulthood”(heavy term, that) is very blatant and in my face.
Responsibility, earning a living, financial independence, long term planning, even retirement plans…. insurance schemes, deadlines, obligations, liabilities, expectations – these are no longer far away in the future. In fact they are so close that I already feel claustrophobic.
I get panic attacks when I think that I would, for all means and purposes, have to pretend to be someone I am not. And while I am giving all those things a try, taking a taste to get a little more accomodated, the deal is this-
Life should be uncomplicated.
It should be breezy and fun.
But the future: this unknown space where I would be tomorrow same time, and the day after that, and years too…. the future scares the shit out of me. And it is against my basic nature to “go with the flow.” I am a planner. I chalk out things. And I don’t like to deviate.
So what the hell does one do when they chalk out two self conflicting, mutually exclusive action plans for about four self conflicting and mutually exclusive destinations!
I am not making any sense.
I should think of something funny to write… yea..like that’ll happen!