On being Pseudosane


Just like spotting a falling star on a cloudy night, she cherishes the fleeting moment of sweet agony that comes from a suppressed memory. Amongst distractions and chores, fun and laughter she conjures up a dream, a fallacy that is real only to her, invisible to all other. She knows she is half mad, and this knowledge brings her peace… for she believes that only in this madness can she be truly sane.

As she walks along a deserted beach that she once saw in a dream, with white sand caressing her feet and the cool breeze tangling her hair, she feels his hand in hers and she smiles. She won’t look at him, because she knows he is not real… only a mirage, a character from her past, a figment of imagination. She doesn’t want to accept that crass truth right now. She smiles because if anyone knew who she spent her nights with; they would throw her in the loony bin… not that it mattered too much, she felt caged most of the time, anyway.

Her ability to run away from reality was her greatest forte. In the middle of a traffic jam, she would be on floating mountains hugging giant pandas who loved having her around. Sitting alone, she’d be having a life changing experience in her parallel life, one only she could see, furthermore-only as an outsider, and yet she could savor the emotions in real-time.

And because she was so caught up in that parallel life, she had almost always missed living the present life well. The chances that she had passed by return to haunt her. Even though she tried to recreate that magic now and then, she failed miserably each and every time. She doesn’t give up though. She has faith in charms and madness. Just like spotting a falling star on a cloudy night, she cherishes the fleeting moment of sweet agony that comes from longing… longing for something different, something grander, and something exciting. She glorifies the peace that comes from the bittersweet knowledge that her madness is her sanity, and that she’ll never be understood.

Pseudo-sane is what she believes herself to be. Pseudo-sane in a pseudo life that she is forced to lead.

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