Disillusioned, she waits….


Nothing is sadder than the death of an illusion. ~ Arthur Koestler

It was one of the worst days in her life and yet, to anyone on the outside, nothing would have seemed out of the ordinary. The series of enlightened, throttling facts that had been hitting her for the past months, had finally reached a peak… a peak where the hard stones of truth could no longer just rest one upon the other, and so for no apparent reason, the structure had collapsed, and one fine day where her stubborn, advertent attempt at ignorance rested, there was nothing left but a rubble of disillusionment.

She was sick of thinking too much, yet she knew that she could never stop her mind from going in circles & loops till the time she had been successful in understanding why anything that had happened, had happened. She also knew that it was a habit that will keep her forever in a state of misery. The headaches, the constant throbbing of the upped blood pressure in her veins, the tiredness was all part of her mind and body trying to reject the simple truths that her heart knew…truths that were hard to swallow & even harder to live with.

She realized that she wasn’t unique, by any long shot. Her ideas, ideals and notion of life was condoned, propagated & even in many parts originally ideated by millions of people worldwide. So when someone told her that she was different, all she could think was how this person delivering the compliment was either insincere or ignorant.

She realized that she needed people around her to validate her existence which was against the base principle of “being independent” & somehow, somewhere she resented all her friends for making her succumb to that form of dependency… and later she also resented herself for putting the blame on others for her own twisted sensibility & reasoning.

She realized that everyone, including herself amounted to nothing better than scum. There were different forms, however – the upfront scum, the ‘lurk in the shadow’ scum, the ‘i-am-not-a-scum-at-all’ scum, ad infinitum. The worse were the men, though. Sure, some of the scum were her so called friends, whose friendship she anyway resented by virtue of the alliance’s sheer existence. But the truth of the fact remained that she had not till now disengaged from them & that was something that she could only write off as weakness, weakness that in her mind was akin to someone begging for food & who had been starved to ends of their sanity. Her own physical make did not allow her to thwart her male counterparts by the sheer fact that they were male & that they were by nature ruled by nothing more that baser tendencies which they were not above satisfying by force & which however much she dressed it up, would forever remain something she would reject, instinctively.

She realized that she wanted to run away and belong in the same heartbeat, to embrace and refute life in the same blink of the eye, to matter & to remain insignificant on the same pedestal where everyone stood; to solve the problems that plagued her & to stop thinking at the same time. Most of all, all she wanted was to be happy and while nothing outwardly was adding to her sorrow, the truth of who she was and where she stood had set her free… free where the tendons of carefree joyfulness refused to touch her, where with ignorance – bliss also fled, and where at the end of the day all she could do was just exist – disillusioned & in wait for it all to end.

 

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